Vampi and the Regman wish you and yours a happy festive season.
But, hey!
Don't think they're among the Turkey-challenged just because they're vegetarians! 
Vampi's got a "killer" recipe for the holidays!
"Perfect (Meatless) Turkey" 
I'm a happy Tom!
Or, How to Make A Turkey Thankful.

4 lb Worthington Meatless Turkey 
2 cups Prepared stuffing 
1/4 tsp. each - Sage, Rosemary, Thyme, Garlic Garlic Salt, Large Ground Pepper 
1/2 c. - Fat Free Margarine or Butter (Melted) 
1 pkg. - Athens Fillo (Phyllo) dough (sheet pastry or puff pastry sheets) 
Pastry brush. 
    Preheat oven to 350F degrees. Thaw turkey according to package instructions. 
    Prepare a large baking dish (according to the size of your meatless turkey) with natural cooking spray, margarine, or butter. 
    Place 4 sheets of Fillo dough in bottom of pan across the width. Place turkey length-wise in the pan on top of dough. 
     Cut a center section from the length of the turkey creating a hollowed out area - set removed section aside. Fill hollowed turkey center with prepared stuffing mix and return the cut out section to the top of turkey - pressing down firmly to compact stuffing. 
    Prepare melted butter adding spices according to taste mixing with a tiny whisk or fork. Dip pastry brush into butter preparation - stirring spices as you go. 
     Apply butter to turkey with pastry brush. Add 2 sheets of fillo dough, brush with butter, forming pastry to the shape of the turkey. Alternate fillo dough and butter until 8-10 layers of dough are formed. End with spreading butter mixture on outside, soaking the pastry, then use hands and fingers to smooth dough. 
     Add remaining stuffing - cover with foil. Bake 2 hours.


1 pkg. - Mrs. Cubison's stuffing 
4 Tbsp. - Fat free margarine or butter 
1/2 c. each - According to taste: Celery, Black Olives, Mushrooms, Onions, Broccoli, Brown rice, raisins, baby carrots 
1 1/2 c. - Water 
1/4 tsp. each - Sage, Rosemary, Thyme, Garlic Salt, Large Ground Pepper (More to taste.) 


    In a large bowl, add all dry ingredients and mix thoroughly. Add water. Melt butter and add while stirring. Stir all ingredients until all bread crumbs are moist. Stuff turkey according to instructions. I usually prepare one batch for the table and one for cooking with the bird. 
    Preparing batch for table - Cover in foil and bake in casserole dish for 1 hour at 350F degrees. (Lower to 325F and add 20 minutes for high altitude.) 
    (TIP: Always use a wooden spoon. Using a metal utensil can cause some vegetables and fruit to bruise, turn color, change flavor. And you just thought they were "cute.")

1 c. All purpose flour or Bisquick 
1 tsp. baking soda 
4 tblsp. hot water 
1/4 stick (About 2-3 large tblsp.) margarine or butter. 
1 cup hot water, milk, or other liquid. 
Dash white or lemon pepper. (Regular course ground is okay.) 
Dash salt. 
(For the hearty Southern "Red Eye" Gravy - use hot coffee.) 
NOTE: You'll need a small "whisk" or fork for smoother texture.  
In a small bowl or measuring cup, mix the ingredients to form a roux (thick paste).  In a small saucepan, preheat remaining liquid, butter/margarine, salt and pepper to near boil. Using a whisk (that thingy shown above), slowly add the roux into the liquid stirring as you go. Stir constantly until thick - never letting stick or boil. Gravy is done when it's the consistency you like for sloppin' onto your meatless turkey, stuffin' and rolls. 
Composite photo Hang the Balls  by Rob Long. Copyright 1998. Gigi Porter, Angus Scrimm, Reggie Bannister.
He's making his list...
He's checking it twice.
He doesn't really CARE if you're naughty or nice!
Santa Tall Man's comin' to town.
And he's having a BALL...
Rob Long... our Composite extraordinaire!
Rob Long
Our Nightmarez Cafe elf.